Updated: Oct 7, 2021
Building your self-esteem is important because you need to know you are worthy to be loved. It takes time, but it is essential for your personal growth.
“At a young age, I learned I wasn’t going to be accepted or liked by everyone.”
After years and years of feeling like I’m not good enough, unworthy, unwanted, unattractive, and living in a web of insecurities and doubt, I needed to learn how to rebuild my self-confidence, and not lean on others for validation.
At a young age, I learned I wasn’t going to be accepted or liked by everyone. And, I wasn’t going to like everyone either. Although the dislikes didn’t bother me, it did however take years to accept the fact that some family & friend were probably included in that category.
“People treated me and still treat me differently because I’m dark, big, and in their eyes unattractive.”
I used to feel like people only tolerated me because they believed they had to. I was a people pleaser, and a bag full of insecurities, hiding in the shadows of everyone. I believe my shyness made people comfortable, my unattractiveness made others feel more beautiful, and my humbleness made people feel more confident. It was easy for people to use me and underestimate me. It was easy for me to feel hurt when they said offensive words. When I realized my worth, I stopped dimming my light to make people comfortable.
People treated me and still treat me differently because I’m dark, big, and in their eyes unattractive. Basically, some people treat me differently because I’m me. They may never admit it or are aware of it, but I’ve lived long enough to know when I’m on the receiving end of colorism and body-shaming.
People still associate dark skin and plus size as negative traits. They instantly project their negative (unhelpful) views-that I’m inferior, lack success, confidence, courage, intelligence, and beauty. When I walk into a room, I notice how people look at me. I notice how some people ignore or disregard me when I approach them to speak. I notice the double-standards, lack of support, doubt, judgements, and criticism.
At some point, I got tired of feeling the way I was feeling. I needed to reevaluate my life and surroundings. I had to take responsibility for what I was allowing. The self-pity had to end. I needed to determine the root issue and figure out why I allow these types of one-sided and unhealthy relationships.
I allowed people to say harsh and hurtful words without defending myself. If I did speak, I was told I’m being defensive or too sensitive. I allowed people to use me in their time of need, but when I needed them, it was an inconvenience. I allowed people to speak lies without confronting them, I allowed people to come into my living space and judge the way I lived. I allowed people to judge me in my times of despair because I was too broken to check them.
I had to stop pouring myself into these one-sided relationships that didn’t add value to my life. It was important that I set boundaries. If the relationships are not leading me or supporting me in fulfilling my godly purpose, then they needed to be shifted.
I had to figure out who was a priority and who wasn’t. I had to decipher who had my best interest at heart and who did not. I had to recognize how I felt when I was around people. If I didn’t like the energy, I didn’t need to be around them.
Cultivating a space to build our self-esteem starts with addressing our issues and making necessary changes. If you're holding on to deeply rooted trauma, you need to heal from it. It takes time and effort to weed out the bad seeds and grow fruitful ones. I learned the meaning of self-love by building a relationship with God and healthy one with myself. I stop focusing on other people, and starting focusing on my truth.
As you grow in your self-love, you embrace your flaws and imperfections. When you have good self-esteem, you speak to yourself differently. You see your true beauty, you know you are worthy, and you see yourself in a better light.